Couples and Money -- Commentary #1

  (A Series of Four"Tip of the Month" Commentaries)

           Many couples say that money is the number one reason for conflict in their relationship. No matter how much these couples want their relationship to work, they end up fussing and fighting over money decisions. These money decisions, they say, are the number one reason for ending a relationship—for calling it quits as a couple.  

           If you are like most couples, you and your partner don't have effective, workable models for couples' communication about money. You probably don't know how to make money decisions with your partner and you certainly don't understand the money decisions your partner is making.

              I've found that the majority of couples use one of three ineffective money communication models.

           In the first Model, one partner takes charge of specific money decisions and the other acquiesces to those decisions. In Model #1, the language sounds like, “Because I said so.” Or “Because I earn the money so it's my decision.” Or “You're not good with numbers, so I'll take over." Or the person who acquiesces may say, "Whatever. . . ." or "Do whatever you want," or "I don't have time, so you do it."

           Ineffective Model #2 couples fuss and feud and fight.   Sometimes a couple begins with Model #1, but then they start to argue with each other about the money decisions. Some of the language of this couple communication model sounds like, “How could you spend that much money?” or “You have no discipline” or “Why don't you just earn more money?”  Couples using this model are saying, “What's the matter with you? It's your fault.”

           When a couple uses ineffective Model #3, neither partner talks about money decisions to the other. Most often this couple is frustrated with the other two Models. Couples use this model as a way to “save the relationship.” As long as the kids are clothed and food is purchased, this couple will continue using this model. The language of this model is silence. The ineffectiveness of this model becomes apparent when a consensus is needed or a problem develops. As a way to try to make a money decision, this couple usually slips to either Model #1— where one person takes charge—or Model #2—where they fight and feud.

           This is the first in a series of four commentaries that will give you a three step process that will help you change how you communicate as a couple so you can change your money life.