Couples and Money: The Role Of Values In Budgeting

         As long as there's enough money and life is going smoothly, most couples don't have one of the most important conversations of their partnership - a conversation on values. But there comes a time when major life changes force couples to find a fair way to decide which expenditures will be made and which will have to be dropped. It could be the increased expenses of a new baby. Or a job layoff. Or an illness. Or a major world event.   Whatever has happened, you as a couple now have a wonderful opportunity to talk about your basic values.

People define the word "value" in many different ways. The definition that I work with is "a value defines your purpose." It is what you want to remember being and what you want to be remembered for doing. Identifying your values is a critical foundation step in financial management.  

In order to determine your values, I recommend using an exercise in which you will mentally remove yourself from the daily busy-ness of your life. This is the way the exercise works.

Each of you, individually, in your mind – move ahead in time until you are at an age where your life will be very different than it is today - to an age that you consider to be old. Now from that age, mentally look back on your life as it is today. What will you want to make sure you don't forget to do – to be – to have – to experience?

These things you don't want to forget about are called values. Learning to love is a value, learning to partner is a value. So is parenting. Family financial security is a value. Education is a value. Spirituality is a value. So is giving.

So, what are your individual values? Write them down.

Now, you and your partner will talk about which of these values you share as a couple - as a family. Write these down.

The exercise continues for you as a couple, as you look at the register for your checkbook AND at this month's credit card statement. Now evaluate what the two of you spent money on. I tell my clients that I can name what their specific values REALLY are by how they actually spend their money. Look back at the value list you made in the time travel exercise. Are these the same values you see represented in your checkbook? Your credit card? If they are, congratulations. If they aren't, go back to your budget and rework the spending choices in your life. You'll both find it easier to make difficult budgeting decisions, with these values as a foundation.

So, when you do reach the age you called "old" you will not have regrets. You'll know that your life had real purpose – based on your values.